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Warning Signs of Abusive or Potentially Abusive Relationships

The abuser is controlling and possessive.

• The victim is restricted in communicating with others; their use of phone, e-mail, or Internet is monitored. 
• The victim is forbidden to see friends or family, or limited in contact with them. 
• The abuser is intensely jealous of the victim’s interactions with others. 
• The abuser invades the victim’s privacy – their home or room, walks or drives, diary, mail, e-mail, Facebook page, possessions. 
• The abuser grills the victim about what they did at work or at school. 
• The abuser controls finances and decision-making. 
• The abuser refuses to accept the victim’s termination of the relationship. 

The abuser seems to be two different people.

• The abuser has a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality, often showing a charming, charismatic side to others. 
• The abuser seems deeply penitent, sorrowful, and loving after an emotionally, verbally, or physically violent episode.    
• The abuser is desperate and extreme.
• The abuser may push for commitments too early in the relationship. 
• The abuser threatens to kill the victim or themselves if the victim leaves them. 
• The abuser says they cannot live without the victim or the victim cannot live without them. 
• The abuser seems obsessed with having the victim for themselves. 
• The abuser is verbally abusive.
• The abuser puts the victim down, privately or publicly. 
• The abuser plays on the victim’s guilt or their past love for them. 
• The abuser makes the victim question the victim’s sanity or accuses the victim of being crazy. 
• The abuser insults the victim’s intelligence, body, or looks. 
• The abuser is unable or unwilling to communicate verbally without shouts, curses, or insults. 
• The abuser speaks disparagingly of the opposite sex.
• The abuser denigrates the victim’s friends. 
• The abuser talks about the inferiority of the other sex, or the need to keep them in line.

The abuser is violent.

• The abuser loses their temper easily over small things; their anger seems frightening or out of proportion. 
• The abuser grabs the victim, twists their arm, pushes them, pulls them into the car, otherwise uses physical force. 
• The abuser is violent toward the victim’s pets or cruel to animals in general. 
• The abuser was physically violent to a former partner. 
• The abuser throws things, kicks things, breaks things. 
• The abuser demands sex, forcing the victim or persistently urging them to perform sex acts without their consent. 
• The abuser disowns responsibility.
• The abuser denies being verbally or physically abusive. 
• The abuser blames the victim or someone else for the abuse. (The victim "made them do it" or "drove them to it.") 
• The abuser excuses the abuse on grounds of their great love for the victim. 
• The victim shows signs of physical, sexual, or psychological abuse.
• The victim excuses the abuser’s actions to themselves or others. (So the victim cannot name what is happening to them.) 
• The victim speaks of the inferiority of their sex or of their responsibility to keep relationships or homes intact. 
• The victim accepts responsibility for the abuser’s abuse, verbal or physical. 
• The victim wants to end the relationship but fears what it will do to the abuser or that they will retaliate. 
• The victim has recurring, non-specific aches, pains, or ailments, which can signify stress. 
• The victim’s self-esteem suffers. They speak poorly of themselves, especially in relation to the abuser. 
• The victim makes significant lifestyle or appearance changes to benefit or appease the abuser. 
• The victim has bruises or seems physically hurt. 

Based on “” copyright 1999, 2010, 2011 Gail Griffin.
All rights reserved. Please use with attribution.